On the way back from Aldi’s (I love saving money on groceries so I can continue to live the life of a starving writer), I saw two people picking up dog poop. I got angry, contemplative, and amused within microseconds of each emotion. How many times in my life have I had to scrape dog poop off of my shoes, flip-flops, or bare feet? Too many. And yet, while I find the legal duty of dog owners to be on poop patrol to be a blessing for the obvious reason, poop picking is the number one reason aliens don’t attack us–and you know they are watching. Trailing behind a four-legged animal and picking up their waste in plastic baggies must really confuse them as to who is the dominant species on the planet with whom to make contact. The cows must have been a giant disappointment to the aliens. Cows are poor communicators. My funny-bone was tweaked by the diminutive Asian woman being torn in half by two, large, black bear imitations of dogs (mastiffs?) while attempting to bag their quarter-pounders with stink. And the reason for the dogs attempting to tear her in half was the 6’7″, 300+ pound mountain man across the street restraining his teacup, attack Chihuahua while also bagging the dog’s poop.
On a separate but related note, I put up four hummingbird feeders this Sunday morning after Saturday evening’s near disaster of 31-degree temperatures and 2-4 a.m. snowfall, which caused me to rise in the middle of the night and cover dozens of plants. And damn if I didn’t step in some rabbit scat. I didn’t bag it. It is fertilizer for the flowers the hummers love and more evidence to the observing aliens that dogs must be the real Earth rulers, because it is the only crap the bipeds stoop to collect. Clever dogs. Patient aliens. Happy hummers. Obedient humans.